MauryMath©

Unemployed TV is the best thing out there. It's the shows you miss when you are working that really get you going -- part of the reason my wife and I live by our DVRs. The one show we have always taped over the last 4+ years of our relationship is Maury. And with one amazing discovery that has been tested and tried, the makers of NiggaMath© now bring to you...

MauryMath©!

Now, this primarily applies to the use of percentages to predict the future, mainly to determine paternity. It breaks down something like this:

You ever notice how when someone says that they are more than 100% of anything (not the father, are the father, faithful, etc.), it is usually the direct opposite? While Keisha might feel she is "275%" sure that Quameek is the father, 9 times out of 10 Quameek is definitely NOT the father, in fact neither is his cousin Shookwan or his father, Dee-Dock. And on the flipside, if Quameek were to feel that he was, oh, say "117.5%" sure he was not cheating on Keisha, chances are he not only cheated on her, but he did it about 200 times with 57 different women. I ask all of you to watch out for these instances -- if someone is more than 100% sure, they ain't so sure.

Now, there is a flipside to this: the super exaggarated assured-ness. Let's say Keisha was "2 billion % sure" that Quameek fathered both Rasheed AND lil Taquayla -- that throws all rules out, and it's a very good idea to bet the farm on Quameek being the father to both of those kids. It's just how it goes: when a female is THAT sure, it's definitely law. Quameek, though, is never that sure. That's how he got into this mess.

So be on the lookout for MauryMath©, and try to incorporate it into your everyday life.

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NiggaMath©

I've just come up with a new concept: NiggaMath. I had a co-worker walk through saying she was leaving 6 minutes late, so that will compute to coming in 15 minutes late the next day. I found this funny, but strangely, it's true. My 15 minutes of lunch time being eaten up by moving boxes turned into an additional 25 minutes of lunch time added. I mean, fair is only fair.

You fault Niggas, Niggas will fault you double, you smell me?

This doesn't just work for Work though, you can use this anywhere The Man tries to hold you down.

Let's say your tax check comes in a few weeks late, for whatever clerical error. Doesn't that warrant you to pay your taxes a month late the following year?

When the state's sales tax skins off an additional 60 cents on the dollar for your purchase, it's only fair that when the idiot at the cash register refuses to read your coupon correctly, you go ahead and pay $1.74 for your $9 lunch (this really happened to me at a local Uno's; classic situation).

The record labels charge you absurd amounts for glorified maxi singles, so why not go ahead and just jack the tracks when you can?

The only time NiggaMath doesn't work is in violent situations. There is a problem when a stolen chain turns into 18 niggas dead. That's improper use of NiggaMath. Matter of fact, you should be held back in NiggaMath class and take your trigger-happy ass back to Nigga-garten, so you can learn that it's an eye for an eye, not a life for a chain.

NiggaMath©. The wave of the future.

(Got any other examples of NiggaMath? Scream at the kid.)

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